The Sunday Salon used to be a meme but was getting so huge it became unmanageable, so it is now a Facebook group that has become an informal week in review
gathering place for bloggers.
It is also a place to share our thoughts about things of a bookish nature.
The Sunday Post is a weekly meme hosted by
Kimba @ Caffeinated Book Reviewer
~ It’s a chance to share news~
A post to recap the past week on your blog, showcase books and things we have received and share news about what is coming up on our blog for the week ahead.
The last time I posted a Sunday Salon/Sunday Post piece was on the day of my son’s death, March 15, a post I had written the day before. Today, 28 days later I return.
These have been the hardest days of my life, even harder than recovering from my accident that happened to occur March 14, 2001. That accident left my right side paralyzed, my son’s death is incomparable. Is the date a coincidence? I will never know.
Losing a loved one is always hard, losing a child is heartbreaking, losing a child to suicide is excruciating. There are days I still believe I am still in shock. There are days the tears just flow. Most days I feel as if I am just going through the motions. There are times I feel guilt, could I have done more? what? what were the right words I didn’t say? who was the right person to contact? There are times I feel angry at both God and my son. I never should have survived my accident, several people called it a miracle. Why was I saved and my child not? I thought I had lived because God had plan for me, but I can’t believe I was saved to endure the pain of losing my first born. Then I get mad at my son, why wasn’t his daughter enough to change his choice? There are just so many questions!
I have been doing a lot of reading, pamphlets, flyers, newsletters, online articles, books. Right now there are more questions than answers. We will be joining a support group to help us through this but right now at this point in time acceptance is a long way off. I realize most of my questions won’t ever get answered. Only Kris could answer the most important ones. I understand the pain he was suffering was many times worse than the pain of those he left behind.
I am thankful for the comforting words, the prayers, the gifts to the memorial fund. I draw strength for the words and prayers each day. It really makes me wonder how moms like me got through times like this before the internet. With my disability it is hard for me to get out of the house and I am always dependent on others to get me where I want to go. Again this computer and the people I meet, new friends and old, have become my lifeline. If I am having a bad day, I post about it on Facebook and within seconds people are sending messages to pick me up or give me comfort. I can share pictures of Kris and share memories with friends and family. I can post on this blog and receive wonderful comments. This blog also gives me a reason to get my butt out of bed everyday and share books with you and meet commitments I have made.
There is nothing anyone can do to bring Kris back and I will never fully understand why he did what did but I do know he wouldn’t want the rest of us to just stop living because he did. People who have been where I am tell me the pain never fully goes away but the days do get easier, that I will be able to sleep through the night again and that my concentration will improve. They tell me I will go hours at a time without missing my son but it will take time. Hard to believe right now, but hope it is true.
I appreciate the time you have all given me so far and that you allow me to share my personal feelings in this very public place. I am already back writing reviews and while my reading speed has slowed dramatically I will do my best to meet my obligations and continue to bring guest posts, reviews, book tours and giveaways.
My post next Sunday will be back to regular format.
Happy Sunday Everyone!