In Memory of my son Kristopher Scot Caswell

kris nat

Today marks the 1-year anniversary of the day my son took his life.

Today in is honor I have turned the background of the blog black and taken the day off to remember all the fun times we had.

Tonight family and friends will gather for dinner and I hope even more memories will be shared.

In his eulogy the minister said “- Everyone has a life to live, and the life we live is the book we write… Kris’s life is like a book from which the last chapters have been ripped out. “

I still feel that way today. There were so many more chapters that needed to be written. Many days I have prayed that what he lived had just been a rough draft and we could rip it up and start over. Like I was stuck in a terrible nightmare and I just needed to wake up.

The minister goes on to say “There is also a sense in which his life is complete and perfect just the same. The only way we will ever understand Kris is if we first understand ourselves. This is the first thing we need to know: we all need healing. We are all hurt on multiple levels. Everyone needs some body to lean on, and if we don’t have that, life doesn’t have meaning.”

“We all need healing. The healing Kris did not enjoy while he was among us he is now receiving in the presence of God and his angels.”

This is the part I am still trying to wrap my head around. I’m a mom, it is part of us to help our children heal from big hurts and little hurts. I will live the rest of my life struggling with the point that I couldn’t heal the biggest hurt of them all. This is also awakened a mission for me. I don’t want another mother to feel this pain. I want to reach out as much as I can. Being mostly home-bound that means reaching out through this cyber world.

So today as I remember my son I am also asking you to look around you.
Here are some warning signs to watch for:
If a person talks about:

Being a burden to others
Feeling trapped
Experiencing unbearable pain
Having no reason to live
Killing themselves


Specific things to look out for include:

Increased use of alcohol or drugs
Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online for materials or means
Acting recklessly
Withdrawing from activities
Isolating from family and friends
Sleeping too much or too little
Visiting or calling people to say goodbye
Giving away prized possessions


People who are considering suicide often display one or more of the following moods:

Loss of interest

If you are in crisis, please call the
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)


Click the banner above for more information.

Kris had been depressed, he was seeing a therapist, we thought we were doing the right things to help him but since that time we have learned so many things we could have done. My biggest recommendation it to BE A PEST! Be present in their lives and try to never let them be alone. Also don’t be afraid to ask questions and get them talking. I walked on eggshells not wanting to upset him. If they get mad, so what, better to have them mad at you than not there at all.

The night Kris took his life we thought his girlfriend was with him but she decided to go out with friends instead. Granted if a person really wants to end their life they will find a way to do it. Kris had been so good at reaching out for help. Someone rushed to him every time he called or texted. A year ago today he did not call. When the police finally gave us his phone weeks later we saw something that may have pushed him too far. I dwelled on that for a long time but my head knows that I can’t change what happened, someday my heart may catch up.

I want to thank everyone that has supported our family this past year. Your prayers, thoughts and words have given us comfort. Don’t stop as this journey is ongoing. There is no getting over the loss of a child ever. We draw strength from everyone around us each and every day.


27 thoughts on “In Memory of my son Kristopher Scot Caswell

  1. Thsnk you for sharing your story. I too have a son who is struggling right now with depression. He is seeing a therapist but is it enough? I ask the tough questions, and he gets angry. I won’t give up, but I cry every night. May you find peace in your journey. With your story it has helped me. I will continue to pray for healing in your family and watch my don even closer. We never know what may set them off, so we pray harder. My heart aches for you and your loss. Your son will always be missed but never forgotten.

  2. Thinking and praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story and putting it out there. Hope it finds the right person and helps them.

  3. Thank you for this post. I believe you have done someone a mitzvah today. Please know that I, in some small way, share your sorrow.

  4. I didn’t know Kris or you before reading your blog, but my heart goes out to you at your loss and your sharing through today’s important post. Despite the pain, may there be blessings in your memory of him and moments of peace for you .

  5. Lori, My name is Mary and I work with Jeff. My heart aches for you every time I drive past your house. I had a sister who attempted suicide. Both successful and not, in that she didn’t die, but had such severe brain damage that she wasn’t the sister I grew up with. I also saw what this did to my parents. Knowing Jeff, I also know that you and him did all your best with the knowledge you had. Prayers for you as this is an unbelievably tough day.

  6. Lori. Beautiful tribute to your son. I remember when you lost your son last year. So sorry. Helping.others will keep your mind occupied. be a good remembrance to your son. and be appreciated by many other people. God Bless you.

  7. Oh Lori, I can’t even imagine what you, and your family are going through, especially today. I wish I was there to give you a hug. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers always.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for talking about your son and offering your insights to others.

  9. So very sorry for all you are going through. Too many suffer with chronic illnesses, and depression is one of the worst, it seems. We have lost loved ones to suicide and it is devastating and difficult to believe. Prayers for your continued healing.

  10. Deepest sympathies. Wish I could offer more but have seen this all too often. Your points are pertinent but what it boils down to is, you can do your best to support and pray for the best.

  11. Thank you for sharing and my heart so goes out to you. My son was also depressed he had worked at a job for a long time and this girl he liked was playing with him and other men so he had a big let down. Then one of his past girlfriends got him fired and he was so depressed I called every day and still do. His dad died of cancer a few years ago and so I plan to make sure that I call him every day if i don;t hear from him I call him. I was worried as he was on unemployment for the longest time then a wonderful grocery store hired him and saw potential in him in the butcher section so he is looking forward and i am so happy. I am homebound and worry about him so much I can’t travel to Ca as often that I want in fact havent been for about 7 years and miss him and my daughters children so much a friend is raising her son and the dad is raising his daughter she went thru a period of cutting and that was just terrible. My daughter has a habit of nothing is her fault and everyone else is the problem and she was telling my granddaughter just all of her problems instead of seeing what was going on. You take care and you will always be in my prayers and thank you so much for all the tips !

  12. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Losing a loved one to suicide is absolutely devastating. Thank you for your post about warning signs and about not being afraid to be a pest.

  13. Dear Lori, my prayers are with you and your family today! Please remember just how very much Kris loved you, and that if he could have found any other way out of pain, he would have. And Kris absolutely would not want you or anyone else to wonder what you could have done differently; he reached out for help as much as he could but in the end, each person makes their own decisions. May the Lord bring peace and comfort only He can give to each of you today, including his girlfriend and his precious child.

    It stunned me to read this, as a long time friend of ours lost his daughter to suicide just over a week ago. Your words remind me of what it has been like for you and your family, so that we can reach out as we and our church community can in the upcoming days when the busy-ness is past and the hard work of grieving begins.

    Thank you for sharing! I remember clearly where I was last year when I read your post, and how my heart ached for all of you. Your sharing may help people you will never hear from, and touch lives in unique ways. Blessings to you and your family – you are one of God’s treasures!

  14. Thank you for sharing from the heart! I cannot even begin to imagine your pain! As a person who suffers from depression, know that you did your best!! I take medication for my depression to keep it at bay, and I know that my family loves me, I’m sure your son knew he was loved too! My hugs go out to you as you try to be strong!!

  15. Thinking of you always. Thanks for sharing the information too, you never know who may be helped.

  16. Thank you so much for sharing your story it takes Incredible strength for you to do that but I know you will be helping someone some mom who was afraid to push and afraid to ask questions because they don’t want their children to get mad I know I will be paying more attention to this when will not allow my child to isolate himself or herself thank you so much for sharing and I pray for you and your family for peace now and forever

  17. So sorry for your loss, Lori, but I do think it’s wonderful you’re helping to spread awareness. Your son’s story may end up saving someone else.

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