Today marks the 1-year anniversary of the day my son took his life.
Today in is honor I have turned the background of the blog black and taken the day off to remember all the fun times we had.
Tonight family and friends will gather for dinner and I hope even more memories will be shared.
In his eulogy the minister said “- Everyone has a life to live, and the life we live is the book we write… Kris’s life is like a book from which the last chapters have been ripped out. “
I still feel that way today. There were so many more chapters that needed to be written. Many days I have prayed that what he lived had just been a rough draft and we could rip it up and start over. Like I was stuck in a terrible nightmare and I just needed to wake up.
The minister goes on to say “There is also a sense in which his life is complete and perfect just the same. The only way we will ever understand Kris is if we first understand ourselves. This is the first thing we need to know: we all need healing. We are all hurt on multiple levels. Everyone needs some body to lean on, and if we don’t have that, life doesn’t have meaning.”
“We all need healing. The healing Kris did not enjoy while he was among us he is now receiving in the presence of God and his angels.”
This is the part I am still trying to wrap my head around. I’m a mom, it is part of us to help our children heal from big hurts and little hurts. I will live the rest of my life struggling with the point that I couldn’t heal the biggest hurt of them all. This is also awakened a mission for me. I don’t want another mother to feel this pain. I want to reach out as much as I can. Being mostly home-bound that means reaching out through this cyber world.
So today as I remember my son I am also asking you to look around you.
Here are some warning signs to watch for:
If a person talks about:
Being a burden to others
Experiencing unbearable pain
Having no reason to live
Specific things to look out for include:
Increased use of alcohol or drugs
Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online for materials or means
Withdrawing from activities
Isolating from family and friends
Sleeping too much or too little
Visiting or calling people to say goodbye
Giving away prized possessions
People who are considering suicide often display one or more of the following moods:
Loss of interest
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Kris had been depressed, he was seeing a therapist, we thought we were doing the right things to help him but since that time we have learned so many things we could have done. My biggest recommendation it to BE A PEST! Be present in their lives and try to never let them be alone. Also don’t be afraid to ask questions and get them talking. I walked on eggshells not wanting to upset him. If they get mad, so what, better to have them mad at you than not there at all.
The night Kris took his life we thought his girlfriend was with him but she decided to go out with friends instead. Granted if a person really wants to end their life they will find a way to do it. Kris had been so good at reaching out for help. Someone rushed to him every time he called or texted. A year ago today he did not call. When the police finally gave us his phone weeks later we saw something that may have pushed him too far. I dwelled on that for a long time but my head knows that I can’t change what happened, someday my heart may catch up.
I want to thank everyone that has supported our family this past year. Your prayers, thoughts and words have given us comfort. Don’t stop as this journey is ongoing. There is no getting over the loss of a child ever. We draw strength from everyone around us each and every day.